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Coping with loss and bereavement

Coping with loss and bereavement

Every time there is a significant change in our lives, such as loss and bereavement, we experience a range of feelings. It can be a confusing and frightening time. Understanding loss and bereavement can help with the grieving, and to understand what is happening. Coping with loss and bereavement is an important step forward.

The terms loss, bereavement, grief and mourning are explained below:

 

  • If bereavement is what happens to you, grief is how you feel and react.
  • If bereavement is a wound, grief is the inflammation that follows.  It causes pain, swelling and disturbance of function.  It can last a long time and may leave scars.  However, it is the process by which healing occurs.
  • Mourning is what you do.  It is vital to have something to do, to have a ritual to follow so that there is a recognised role for everyone concerned.  Mourning can help to allow reality to be faced. (Wilson R, 1993)

JOURNEY OF GRIEF

In her book ‘Through Grief – The Bereavement Journey’  Elizabeth Collick says “There is no way round grief, only a way through”.  In other words there is no escape from it. Every bereaved individual needs to follow their own unique journey of grief. The only way to understand what the death means to someone is to allow them to share their feelings, experience and their needs. This can be done with

The actual death of someone close may be just one aspect of the difficulties of bereavement. It can be complicated or feel deeper from other factors. Such as person’s personality or background; their relationship with the dead person; the circumstances of the death/how they died; and the bereaved person’s recovery environment.

THE WHIRLPOOL OF GRIEF 

A good way to understand the grief journey is explained by Dr Richard Wilson’s visual picture Whirlpool of grief’. The picture below shows an oarsman rowing along the ‘River of Life’. When they experience the death of someone who is close to them, they are  plunged down the ‘Waterfall of Bereavement’ otherwise known as the ‘Whirlpool of Grief’.

“Coming down the waterfall represents a sudden disruption to one’s life, which may have been flowing along quite smoothly up to this point.  It represents shock and numbness.  The whirlpool represents the emotional upheaval and disorganisation that follows (anger, guilt, anxiety, etc.).  being ‘all washed up’ on the banks of the river could represent ‘being stuck’ and unable to move on.  Before being able to progress one would have to get back into the whirlpool and experience the emotional turmoil.  With gradual acceptance of the loss, one would be able to move along the river of life again.”

 THE TASKS OF GRIEVING or MOURNING

Professor William Worden (1991) stresses that mourning, which he defines as the emotional process that occurs after a loss, is an essential and necessarily painful healing process, which is achieved through a series of tasks.

‘Tasks of Mourning’

  • To accept the reality of the loss
  • To work through (experience) the pain of grief
  • To adjust to the environment in which the deceased person is missing
  • To emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life

Facing Reality

When someone dies, even if the death is expected, there is often a sense that it hasn’t happened.  This first task is to fully comprehend the reality that the person is dead, that they are gone and will not return.  There is likely to be an initial state of shock and numbness, sometimes manifesting itself as uncontrollable crying/hysteria or the antithesis of displaying no emotion at all, appearing very controlled, calm or detached.

This initial shock may last several days (sometimes much longer) and usually allows the bereaved to deal with all the necessary practicalities and cope with the funeral without losing control – a form of emotional protection.

Some people may not immediately be able to acknowledge what has happened and may cope by denying it or refusing to talk about it.  Being able to see the dead person, being involved as much as possible in the preparations for the funeral, and observing rituals and traditions, all assist people to face the reality of what has happened.  Families from ethnic minorities may need permission and support for the mourning rituals appropriate to their culture.

 Experiencing the pain of grief

As the numbed feeling gradually subsides and the reality of what has happened is experienced, the bereaved person may have intensely painful feelings, which may last weeks or months.  Their grief may overwhelm them so that they are incapable of thinking about anything or anybody else but themselves and how they feel.  It gets in the way of everything they think and do.  They may overreact to other people’s comments and appear irritable.

As well as feeling extreme sadness, the bereaved often experience guilt, anger and resentment.  Many people experience guilt with some aspect of their relationship with the dead person. Often people struggle with the things they have (or have not) said or done.  Maybe they had not spent enough time with them or really listened.

Feelings of anger can be extremely powerful.  The bereaved person may feel anger towards the dead person; anger for the loss of control that death brings; anger at the medical team for not curing the illness or keeping the dead person alive; and anger at God for letting it happen.  They may feel resentment of a family member who they feel contributed in some way to the death.

Adjusting to the environment without the deceased person

The new reality of facing life without someone you love is a difficult and painful process.  No one can fill the aching void the person has left and each day life brings constant reminders of their absence.  The future seems uncertain or even frightening and a tremendous effort is required to get through every day.  It may take many months before the bereaved person is able to dwell less on the sad events surrounding the death and starts to function more as they did before the loss.

Reinvesting in the future

This involves moving on to a new way of life without the dead person, whilst holding on to memories.  It is a way of reinvesting in life again alongside the knowledge that the dead person will never be forgotten.  This can often feel like a betrayal and is perhaps the most difficult task of all.

The bereaved are able to:-

Have a sense of resurrection

  • Put their sadness aside
  • Look to the future, whilst recalling happy times spent with the person who has died
  • Find comfort and pleasure in their memories.
  • Life becomes more meaningful and they regain a sense of control

It is normal at anniversaries for feelings of grief to be aroused again and to be as vivid as on the day the death occurred but this settles more quickly and becomes less painful.

Grief is not a mental illness, although sleeplessness, anxiety, fear, anger and a preoccupation with self can all add up to a feeling of ‘going mad’.  These feelings are natural and when experienced and expressed will become less frequent and begin to subside over time.  Talking about them and bringing them into the open is helpful.  Expressing grief is cathartic and attempts to short circuit these feelings rarely help in the long term and may cause deep seated problems in the years ahead.  If grief is denied, or anger and guilt persist to the exclusion of other feelings, counselling can help to address these issues.

Other posts talking about loss and bereavement are:

Painful place called Bereavement

Six Steps to dealing with bereavement

Let;s talk about dying and bereavement

Dealing with loss or bereavment

Painful place called Bereavement

painful place called bereavementAll faced with bereavement

Sometime in our lives we are all faced with bereavement. If we think about it we either think bereavement will never happen to us or we’ll cope when or if it happens. When we lose a loved one the bereavement throws us into a world of grief. It’s a place that is confusing and painful bringing us unhappiness. Many of my clients do not understand the grief they are experiencing Continue reading

Six Steps to dealing with bereavement

six steps to coping with bereavementBereavement is often closed subject

Bereavement or loss is something that we all face at some time in our lives. This can be through the death of someone we are close to or our loss of health or job or a miscarriage. As it is a subject that is not often openly talked about, we have little opportunity to learn about death or loss. We only begin to understand how people are affected by grief, when we are faced with it. Often when people are grieving they will feel isolated. The can feel like they are the only one that feels the way they do and it can seem difficult to know what is ‘normal’. In addition families and friends do not know how to respond or deal with the bereaved. Continue reading

What is empty nest syndrome?

what is empty nest syndromeEmpty nest syndrome
My friend’s (who I will call her Pippa) daughter (Chantal) is leaving home next week for university. In the last year Pippa has been counting down the days with dread. On one hand she is excited for Chantal as she steps out into her new adventure but on the other hand Pippa does want her to go as she knows she will miss Chantal. She recognises that she will have feelings of loneliness and grief and therefore will be suffering from empty nest syndrome. Continue reading

Dealing with loss or bereavment

grief quoteSerious loss is something we will all experience at some point of time in our lives. This may be because of the death of a loved one or it may be circumstances such as miscarriage or loss of a job. Sometimes we do not experience loss or bereavement until later in life and have had some opportunity to learn about death and how people are affected by grief. However, whenever we experience loss or bereavement, we often do not know ‘how to grieve’ or how we should respond to our loss. Continue reading

Grieving within Western Society

grievingConforming to Western Society

When we speak of bereavement and grieving in our Western Culture people often feel uncomfortable and tend to avoid the subject. Clients often report to me that they find they cannot talk of the dead person to friends or colleagues. It is almost as though they are not allowed to carry on thinking of the deceased person to the point that if they do, other people find it embarrassing.  In Western Society there is social pressure for the bereaved to grieve quickly and quietly. These pressures, as Harris (2010) says, constricts the experience of grief rather than support it. These restrictive ways of dealing with grief can create further stress to clients as they are worried to how they are perceived by family and friends.

Grieving at the beginning

I feel we could learn a lot from other societies who place family and community at the forefront of their values. When I worked in Cameroon, a member of the village where I was staying died. Immediately the women started wailing. They were allowed and encouraged to openly express they sadness at their loss. This continued for 3 days. People from nearby villages and relatives from afar visited the village to see the deceased body. The funeral was held with over 500 people attending. The family were never left alone during this period or for a long time after.  Our workers openly spoke of the dead person and told us how we could as ‘Westerners’ (who were visitors to the village) could support the family through their grief.  What a different experience compared to our country. In UK you are allowed up to 3 days bereavement leave from work. It feels as though people prefer you not express your grief in public and society prefers you step back to ‘normality’ after the funeral.

And a year on….

Whilst in Cameroon I also experienced the one year after death party. The villagers held a massive party and toasted the dead person. They poured alcohol at the dead person’s door to let the dead person’s spirit drink it. They then spent all evening talking fondly of the dead person and supporting the grieving family. It was a touching experience. What a different experience towards grief compared to our society. On anniversary death days in Western Society, people outside of the family do not want to know. Some outsiders cannot even understand why it is a difficult day to get through.  ‘It’s just another day’ I have heard in the past.

Talking therapy helps

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is a personal experience. From experience with clients, I would say the first year is worse. Yet for some the first year is just the beginning of their grief journey and it can get worse for them. It is common after losing a loved one is that you need to find sense of what you are feeling and need to talk and talk about the same thing. Few people are willing to hear. You can experience numbness, low self-esteem, anger, sadness. If you are suffering from grief, counselling may help you to come to terms with your grief. Sometimes talking to someone who is not involved in the bereavement can be beneficial.

What can we learn?

We could learn a lot from other cultures on how to deal with grief. Let’s start by allowing people to express their grief. Accept their sadness not criticize it. Let’s learn how to carry and support our family and friends rather than asking them to conform to our way of grieving or society’s way.Let’s listen to them and not be irritated that we have heard that story before. Let’s be compassionate friends to each other and help our friends and family through their grieving process. It’s only a start but an encouraging one.

If you would like to learn more how to support a grieving person through a bereavement, have a look at this blog post. It includes things not to say!

Hazel Hill can provide support through online counselling or counselling 1:1 in Sheffield. She has a specific expertise for those who need support for bereavement.

Reference

Harris, D (2010), Oppression of the Bereaved: A Critical Analysis of Grief in Western Society, MEGA Journal of Death and Dying, Issue:  Volume 60, Number 3 pgs:  241 – 253