Category Archives: grief

Grieving within Western Society

grievingConforming to Western Society

When we speak of bereavement and grieving in our Western Culture people often feel uncomfortable and tend to avoid the subject. Clients often report to me that they find they cannot talk of the dead person to friends or colleagues. It is almost as though they are not allowed to carry on thinking of the deceased person to the point that if they do, other people find it embarrassing.  In Western Society there is social pressure for the bereaved to grieve quickly and quietly. These pressures, as Harris (2010) says, constricts the experience of grief rather than support it. These restrictive ways of dealing with grief can create further stress to clients as they are worried to how they are perceived by family and friends.

Grieving at the beginning

I feel we could learn a lot from other societies who place family and community at the forefront of their values. When I worked in Cameroon, a member of the village where I was staying died. Immediately the women started wailing. They were allowed and encouraged to openly express they sadness at their loss. This continued for 3 days. People from nearby villages and relatives from afar visited the village to see the deceased body. The funeral was held with over 500 people attending. The family were never left alone during this period or for a long time after.  Our workers openly spoke of the dead person and told us how we could as ‘Westerners’ (who were visitors to the village) could support the family through their grief.  What a different experience compared to our country. In UK you are allowed up to 3 days bereavement leave from work. It feels as though people prefer you not express your grief in public and society prefers you step back to ‘normality’ after the funeral.

And a year on….

Whilst in Cameroon I also experienced the one year after death party. The villagers held a massive party and toasted the dead person. They poured alcohol at the dead person’s door to let the dead person’s spirit drink it. They then spent all evening talking fondly of the dead person and supporting the grieving family. It was a touching experience. What a different experience towards grief compared to our society. On anniversary death days in Western Society, people outside of the family do not want to know. Some outsiders cannot even understand why it is a difficult day to get through.  ‘It’s just another day’ I have heard in the past.

Talking therapy helps

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is a personal experience. From experience with clients, I would say the first year is worse. Yet for some the first year is just the beginning of their grief journey and it can get worse for them. It is common after losing a loved one is that you need to find sense of what you are feeling and need to talk and talk about the same thing. Few people are willing to hear. You can experience numbness, low self-esteem, anger, sadness. If you are suffering from grief, counselling may help you to come to terms with your grief. Sometimes talking to someone who is not involved in the bereavement can be beneficial.

What can we learn?

We could learn a lot from other cultures on how to deal with grief. Let’s start by allowing people to express their grief. Accept their sadness not criticize it. Let’s learn how to carry and support our family and friends rather than asking them to conform to our way of grieving or society’s way.Let’s listen to them and not be irritated that we have heard that story before. Let’s be compassionate friends to each other and help our friends and family through their grieving process. It’s only a start but an encouraging one.

If you would like to learn more how to support a grieving person through a bereavement, have a look at this blog post. It includes things not to say!

Hazel Hill can provide support through online counselling or counselling 1:1 in Sheffield. She has a specific expertise for those who need support for bereavement.

Reference

Harris, D (2010), Oppression of the Bereaved: A Critical Analysis of Grief in Western Society, MEGA Journal of Death and Dying, Issue:  Volume 60, Number 3 pgs:  241 – 253

Absent Fathers

Father’s Day can be a special day for many families. My children eagerly made their Dad a card and went to bed excited at waking him their Dad up tomorrow morning. However, a bushy eyed child is not what all Dads will be facing on Father’s Day. A lot of Fathers will be painfully reminded of their child they have lost or no longer have access too. Additionally other children, young and old, have the reminder that their dead dad is not there. Death itself can be seen as a freedom but being left behind with your grief and loss is difficult. It’s a long painful journey and some days are harder than others. Father’s Day can be a difficult day as it just reminds you of your loss. While some people are grabbing their cards and gifts you are left wondering how you will cope with your grief.

Ignoring Father’s Day often feels like the easiest thing to do yet sometimes it is not as difficult as you think. So what can you do? Some people are comforted by being with their family and having a special meal.  Some prefer to be on their own but rather than spending it in bed, try to make a plan for the day.  The anticipation can be worse than the day itself. Focusing on your Dad’s life and what he means to you might bring up good memories. You could visit his favourite spot or listen to music that he loved.

A useful tool I use with my clients who are grieving over the death of their Father is a ‘Dad box’. You put small reminders of your Dad in a memory box. Some clients don’t look into it for years whereas others get it on difficult days like Father’s Day. Some have described the box as a handy receptacle for all sorts of feelings. When they are feeling low they open it up and allow their feelings to be released.

Being without your Dad on Father’s Day is difficult time. If you hold onto hope it is possible. If you do feel at breaking point and cannot cope with your grief on Father’s Day then you can ring The Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90. For further information on grief look Cruse’s website.  The site gives further explanation of the grief and how to cope with bereavement. Don’t be afraid to ask for help as you may find that talking to someone can help.  I

Hazel provides counselling in Sheffield and South Yorkshire or via email, skype or instant messaging. Contact me her at counselling@inyourcommunity.org.uk for more information.

The unsent letter

Expressing Feelings I often encourage my clients to write down their feelings. I got inspired by Gillie Bolton who says ‘that people should be encouraged to write as they feel and to dump their thoughts onto paper’. I often have client’s who are wary of counselling or find it difficult to talk as they are unable to express their feelings. I suggest they write just a few words each day and often the clients start noticing a pattern with their thoughts or it can reveal why they are feeling depressed, stressed or anxious or it just allows them to sort out their feelings. Writing gives them the confidence to begin exploring their issues with me in great depth. Clients often tell me how inspiring and powerful they find writing therapy.

Writing therapy can also work for the unsent letter or email. Clients who are grieving over the loss of a loved one who had died suddenly often find it hard to move on as there are so many unanswered questions. I therefore encourage them to write a letter to the deceased person. When a person dies suddenly there are thoughts and feelings which are left unsaid and writing these down can allow you to try and reach a sense of resolution. Unrecognised emotions are often identified and the letter provides an outlet for them. Writing can often help the client process their emotions around the loss.

And after? Clients often do not show me their letters and they don’t tell me what they do with them. Often ripping up the letter or burning the letter can be helpful once those emotions are resolved allowing you to move on. Maybe with some it inspires them to write more. All I know is that it has been a helpful part to our therapy. Maybe you would like to try writing about your feelings? Just write as you feel. Don’t worry about the grammar, punctuation etc. Give it a go as you can do it on your own, anywhere. If you have tried writing therapy has it worked for you?